Those who matter in the Congress know of my strategy sessions with a clutch of chamchas at the tourist lodge, Barabanki, Uttar Pradesh. Last week I found myself with four friends eagerly awaiting Diggy raja's latest gyan. So, after tucking into a palak pakoda, I started. "Gentlemen, as strategies go, we have to think differently, often indifferently. We have to also learn from others. Allow me to share with you Digvijay's Autumn 2011 musings." I waited for an applause. None was forthcoming, so I continued. "Henceforth the top rung of the Congress, including MPs, will have to become apolitical," I pronounced, which made the quartet cock up their ears. "Digvijayji, how is that possible?" wondered one. "It's simple," I said in my Sunday-best baritone, "Our leaders will simply not campaign for the Congress. They will campaign against the opposition. Our message will be: don't vote for BJP/CPI(M)/AIADMK etc. But we will never say vote for the Congress. Thus we will become apolitical—like Kejriwal and Team Anna."
At this, Shumbunathji, who fancies himself to be a man of letters and science, warmed up. "See, what Digvijayji is implying is that when we campaign against the Left in Bengal and Mamata gains, then it is merely collateral benefit. We have not campaigned for her. And, as Antonio Stradivari, the 16th century philosopher, put it, 'collateral advantage is directly proportional to the damage inflicted on the rival side.'" Stradivari? I hadn't heard of him. However, later research on Google (the ultimate engine to divine the truth barring the holy books and Minerva Guide for IAS entrance) revealed he was only credited with crafting exquisite violins. But who cares—Digvijay hates violins and violence! Anyway, that apart, someone in my think-tank wondered if our plan could possibly backfire. "No," I said emphatically. "See how the apolitical campaign of Team Anna succeeded in Hisar."
Later, when I broached the idea to Soniaji and Rahulji, they said a committee will have to examine the gameplan. And the omnipresent Rajiv Shukla (a BCCI freak) insisted it must include cricket experts too. So, I found myself at the Taj Mumbai, closeted with Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and a few nondescript AICC members. Ravi Shastri was first up: "Attacking the opposition instead of patting yourself can pay off. But I get the feeling you have to concentrate on the right areas." Gavaskar chipped in: "In cricket, knowing the strength of the enemy, and attacking it, is more important. There is no point saying you have a great team when you don't know where and who to hit." The substance of what they said amouted to a two-thumbs up for my strategy.
I was pleased as Punch, basking in my moment of glory, when my critic and good friend in the AICC, Janardhan Dwivedi, characteristically tried to spoil my party: "Digvijayji, what's so new? Isn't this apolitical bit Team Anna's original ?" Well, I guess it is. But when our pop music and movies are all plagiarised, why not some inspired politics too...?
(As imagined by Ajith Pillai)
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